woensdag 25 augustus 2010

new day! new sun!

Alright… after my disastrous night, I crawled back to the living. I feel better, still a little doubting about some things I do wrong but I am doing alright again!
The strange thing is. One time they can tell me (she can tell me) that I need to change things and do everything wrong. Next moment she is giving me compliments about things (sometimes the same). I am having more problems with my sleeping. I am tired all the time but now I sleep very deep and a lot! I keep being tired. In the morning I can’t open my eyes… at night I am a wreck… wanting to sleep only. And during the day I make stupid mistakes because I just don’t see them (leaving the gas on… cutting myself with a sharp knive. Leaving the iron on… etc. etc.).

So besides the fact that I feel fine again… I am sooooo sleepy. I am happy to go to my psych Friday. Maybe she has some answers… But I am proud of myself! I did a lot of things she suggested and they worked! So I can tell her that. And maybe she’ll finely read a few of my poems!

Ok! Other good news. I am going to Sara Kroos!!!

A Dutch comedian! The 8th of December!!! Alone haha. I don’t mind. I could pick my place. And because I am alone I have a lot to choose from. I am thinking about going to Bert Visscher too… only 27 euro’s. that’s not a lot and the train ticket is 2 euro! Good evening out!
Ok… my English sucks at the moment :P or at least… my grammar is haha!
Oh yea! I went to Germany this weekend. To my friend who lives there with her two white Sheppard’s and 5 Chicwawa’s (or however you write that:P). It was a lot of fun and I got my doses of hugs! I can handle the next two weeks :D (after that… going to Hoorn for a weekend!!! I hope)

Oki… more news! I am going to make a photobook about my father. So anyone who reads this… if you have photo’s of my father PLEASE email me! I would love to have them!
I am also very happy that my best friend is back in Holland! Welcome back darling and we will meet soon. Hope you are having fun with your boyfriend :P

Oki... oh did I tell? I am doing good again (yea I am happy about the fact so I write it down a lot)

Made a few pics of myself :P here is one… dearest haha!

So… Oh yea! A friend of mine (Canadian rainbow) showed me her house on the webcam. I loved it and wished she was here or I was there right now!

I am still a little hesitant about the writing thing but maybe I just need to start and write an hour a day. That would be a nice start wouldn’t it? Dutch or English. Could try both… see what suites me right now the most.

Ok… enough for now! Have a good night! And don’t forget to leave a message

woensdag 18 augustus 2010


Where I was so happy yesterday morning I am a tired... sad girl right now. I don't know if it is because I sprained my foot or because I am not sleeping well. Maybe its both. What I do know is that I miss huggs. I am such a touchy person. I mean it's my signature almost. people in my hometown know I will hug them when I meet them. I will touch a shoulder to let them know I am there. or a knee of the back. I back off though when I know they don't want or are used to it.
Now I am here and I am going crazy... I don't have any touchy persons around me (the children are different. they touch and hug but it's not like I am used to... it's childish). When I was smaller I always said I had a large hug bag inside me and I filled it when people would go away with hugs from them. like when I would go on holiday without my parents I would hug them the days before 10 times more so that I wouldn't miss it. Well... that "bag" is empty now and I feel so down... I miss my friends, and especially my best friend. I want to crawl against someone in the evening. have a hug and feel like myself again. People here aren't touchy at all! they are touchy with their partner but not with other people. sometimes when I walk by and put a hand on the back to know I am there but I feel that they don't want that. I really hold back... I really do. I don't touch... I go with the flow but now that I sprained my ankle I am moody (how we love pain) and I can't take anything. I just want to be hugged. is that so strange? I know that when I don't want to be touched people will hang on the alarmbells... but now there is no one to touch because it's not in their nature. How do I handle that? I don't have any idea.

This is just not enough anymore :P I don't want to pretend haha

Besides all this have terrible nights. last night I just broke down crying. grr... I hate this... it's a leap into the wrong direction. I really don't like it!
I was a big 6 to 7 yesterday... but this night and this morning I am a 5 :(
well I'll be happy when I go to my psych... my work is going fine (on a few points I have some trouble but I am doing great I think for my doing) but I need to come to terms with the touchy side of me and my sleeping problem. Maybe I need to take a friends advice and I am going to take those sleeping pills. because I can't work like this... I can't get out of my bed or keep my eyes open.

Wauw... I am really complaining this morning. well I needed it :P

maandag 16 augustus 2010


Alright... *Yawn* I need to get myself to earlier to bed. If I want to walk a long time every day next week I need to get out of my bed earlier :P
I am sitting here trying to open my eyes. The boys are still upstairs :D they are putting cloths on themselves. I am really stimulating that because I think it's very good of them. and they seem to like the compliments they get when they show me. It is rare but sometimes I ask them to put on other cloths. some combinations are just... a little too much :P

A new layout

So there we go.
A superduper new layout. I really needed it because I never finished the old one. I decided to place my own photo on it. Strange but I really don't care. most people who will read this already know this (if even anyone reads it) and if they don't? I don't care.
I like this photo. it's gentle but powerful. I think it really represents me. So does the poem which I wrote myself btw.

I really do need to lose weight though. but it's so hard! well... when the kids go to school again I am going to walk a half hour in the morning... every morning. And I am going to build it up to an hour. that would provide me with beautiful legs and hopefully a bit smaller breast :P haha I really have large ones. a little too large for my liking.

Besides everything it's kind of nice here. I have a friend from Haarlem which really helps. She is sweet and I can talk with her. I know it's like I fall into everything suddenly but this blog is really for me :P just writing about myself like a diary. although I won't put anything too personal on this HAHA

So... being an aupair. it's strange but also fun. The decision to take it as it comes was one that I still am thankful for. I am so free :D

vrijdag 7 mei 2010

The Beginning

Although I have had a blog before. I discovered that due to my problems I wasn't able to keep up with it. also... the work I had with translating everything. writing it two times in a sense, was too much. this time... I hope I will keep it to myself. maybe not so much talk about what is going on in my life. But talking about stories inside my head. writing idea's. maybe publish some poems and photo's
The thing that will be most different from the other blog. I am not going to tell anyone about this one. let them... figure it out on their own.
this is my new beginning. let's see how it works out.