woensdag 25 augustus 2010

new day! new sun!

Alright… after my disastrous night, I crawled back to the living. I feel better, still a little doubting about some things I do wrong but I am doing alright again!
The strange thing is. One time they can tell me (she can tell me) that I need to change things and do everything wrong. Next moment she is giving me compliments about things (sometimes the same). I am having more problems with my sleeping. I am tired all the time but now I sleep very deep and a lot! I keep being tired. In the morning I can’t open my eyes… at night I am a wreck… wanting to sleep only. And during the day I make stupid mistakes because I just don’t see them (leaving the gas on… cutting myself with a sharp knive. Leaving the iron on… etc. etc.).

So besides the fact that I feel fine again… I am sooooo sleepy. I am happy to go to my psych Friday. Maybe she has some answers… But I am proud of myself! I did a lot of things she suggested and they worked! So I can tell her that. And maybe she’ll finely read a few of my poems!

Ok! Other good news. I am going to Sara Kroos!!!

A Dutch comedian! The 8th of December!!! Alone haha. I don’t mind. I could pick my place. And because I am alone I have a lot to choose from. I am thinking about going to Bert Visscher too… only 27 euro’s. that’s not a lot and the train ticket is 2 euro! Good evening out!
Ok… my English sucks at the moment :P or at least… my grammar is haha!
Oh yea! I went to Germany this weekend. To my friend who lives there with her two white Sheppard’s and 5 Chicwawa’s (or however you write that:P). It was a lot of fun and I got my doses of hugs! I can handle the next two weeks :D (after that… going to Hoorn for a weekend!!! I hope)

Oki… more news! I am going to make a photobook about my father. So anyone who reads this… if you have photo’s of my father PLEASE email me! I would love to have them!
I am also very happy that my best friend is back in Holland! Welcome back darling and we will meet soon. Hope you are having fun with your boyfriend :P

Oki... oh did I tell? I am doing good again (yea I am happy about the fact so I write it down a lot)

Made a few pics of myself :P here is one… dearest haha!

So… Oh yea! A friend of mine (Canadian rainbow) showed me her house on the webcam. I loved it and wished she was here or I was there right now!

I am still a little hesitant about the writing thing but maybe I just need to start and write an hour a day. That would be a nice start wouldn’t it? Dutch or English. Could try both… see what suites me right now the most.

Ok… enough for now! Have a good night! And don’t forget to leave a message

woensdag 18 augustus 2010


Where I was so happy yesterday morning I am a tired... sad girl right now. I don't know if it is because I sprained my foot or because I am not sleeping well. Maybe its both. What I do know is that I miss huggs. I am such a touchy person. I mean it's my signature almost. people in my hometown know I will hug them when I meet them. I will touch a shoulder to let them know I am there. or a knee of the back. I back off though when I know they don't want or are used to it.
Now I am here and I am going crazy... I don't have any touchy persons around me (the children are different. they touch and hug but it's not like I am used to... it's childish). When I was smaller I always said I had a large hug bag inside me and I filled it when people would go away with hugs from them. like when I would go on holiday without my parents I would hug them the days before 10 times more so that I wouldn't miss it. Well... that "bag" is empty now and I feel so down... I miss my friends, and especially my best friend. I want to crawl against someone in the evening. have a hug and feel like myself again. People here aren't touchy at all! they are touchy with their partner but not with other people. sometimes when I walk by and put a hand on the back to know I am there but I feel that they don't want that. I really hold back... I really do. I don't touch... I go with the flow but now that I sprained my ankle I am moody (how we love pain) and I can't take anything. I just want to be hugged. is that so strange? I know that when I don't want to be touched people will hang on the alarmbells... but now there is no one to touch because it's not in their nature. How do I handle that? I don't have any idea.

This is just not enough anymore :P I don't want to pretend haha

Besides all this have terrible nights. last night I just broke down crying. grr... I hate this... it's a leap into the wrong direction. I really don't like it!
I was a big 6 to 7 yesterday... but this night and this morning I am a 5 :(
well I'll be happy when I go to my psych... my work is going fine (on a few points I have some trouble but I am doing great I think for my doing) but I need to come to terms with the touchy side of me and my sleeping problem. Maybe I need to take a friends advice and I am going to take those sleeping pills. because I can't work like this... I can't get out of my bed or keep my eyes open.

Wauw... I am really complaining this morning. well I needed it :P

maandag 16 augustus 2010


Alright... *Yawn* I need to get myself to earlier to bed. If I want to walk a long time every day next week I need to get out of my bed earlier :P
I am sitting here trying to open my eyes. The boys are still upstairs :D they are putting cloths on themselves. I am really stimulating that because I think it's very good of them. and they seem to like the compliments they get when they show me. It is rare but sometimes I ask them to put on other cloths. some combinations are just... a little too much :P

A new layout

So there we go.
A superduper new layout. I really needed it because I never finished the old one. I decided to place my own photo on it. Strange but I really don't care. most people who will read this already know this (if even anyone reads it) and if they don't? I don't care.
I like this photo. it's gentle but powerful. I think it really represents me. So does the poem which I wrote myself btw.

I really do need to lose weight though. but it's so hard! well... when the kids go to school again I am going to walk a half hour in the morning... every morning. And I am going to build it up to an hour. that would provide me with beautiful legs and hopefully a bit smaller breast :P haha I really have large ones. a little too large for my liking.

Besides everything it's kind of nice here. I have a friend from Haarlem which really helps. She is sweet and I can talk with her. I know it's like I fall into everything suddenly but this blog is really for me :P just writing about myself like a diary. although I won't put anything too personal on this HAHA

So... being an aupair. it's strange but also fun. The decision to take it as it comes was one that I still am thankful for. I am so free :D