Huggles

Where I was so happy yesterday morning I am a tired... sad girl right now. I don't know if it is because I sprained my foot or because I am not sleeping well. Maybe its both. What I do know is that I miss huggs. I am such a touchy person. I mean it's my signature almost. people in my hometown know I will hug them when I meet them. I will touch a shoulder to let them know I am there. or a knee of the back. I back off though when I know they don't want or are used to it.
Now I am here and I am going crazy... I don't have any touchy persons around me (the children are different. they touch and hug but it's not like I am used to... it's childish). When I was smaller I always said I had a large hug bag inside me and I filled it when people would go away with hugs from them. like when I would go on holiday without my parents I would hug them the days before 10 times more so that I wouldn't miss it. Well... that "bag" is empty now and I feel so down... I miss my friends, and especially my best friend. I want to crawl against someone in the evening. have a hug and feel like myself again. People here aren't touchy at all! they are touchy with their partner but not with other people. sometimes when I walk by and put a hand on the back to know I am there but I feel that they don't want that. I really hold back... I really do. I don't touch... I go with the flow but now that I sprained my ankle I am moody (how we love pain) and I can't take anything. I just want to be hugged. is that so strange? I know that when I don't want to be touched people will hang on the alarmbells... but now there is no one to touch because it's not in their nature. How do I handle that? I don't have any idea.

This is just not enough anymore :P I don't want to pretend haha

Besides all this have terrible nights. last night I just broke down crying. grr... I hate this... it's a leap into the wrong direction. I really don't like it!
I was a big 6 to 7 yesterday... but this night and this morning I am a 5 :(
well I'll be happy when I go to my psych... my work is going fine (on a few points I have some trouble but I am doing great I think for my doing) but I need to come to terms with the touchy side of me and my sleeping problem. Maybe I need to take a friends advice and I am going to take those sleeping pills. because I can't work like this... I can't get out of my bed or keep my eyes open.


Wauw... I am really complaining this morning. well I needed it :P